Galmara, last night.

Look, I thought Galmara was great last night.

I don't get feedback. Nobody says a thing.
Then I get paranoid = and think = shit, what if I'm crap. Then I have to go full circle again to the "It's okay if I'm crap" place and keep playing.

One day somebody will tell me I'm okay (on viola) and I will believe them.

I hope that day comes soon, but I guess it's okay if it doesn't. I'll still play.

That's what it's come to for me. I have to just give up on any approval for my viola playing. I will never be even a mediocre orchestral viola. I'm just not good enough. I am good at improvisation and playing along by ear (similar but not identical skills) and if I work hard my technique and my overall sound quality will improve. That's it.

Setting aside all that stuff - it was good to play with Pete who I really love very much, and I feel as if we'll be friends for a long time. Maybe forever. And we'll gradually come to know each other's styles with music and I'm here, so that's in my favour.

I miss Niall and I miss Brian. I know they miss me.

I played my newly improved song - the changing of one word (can't to won't) made the song So. Much. Better. I also let Pia (coming through Molly via Hannah, gosh, those girls are such beautiful singers) sing "Varfor?" which is their very own version of a Swedish song. I thought it sounded really lovely. The lyrics are gorgeous and sad, and it doesn't matter that they're in Swedish.

So. That was a great musical evening last night.

Events in Gray's career life have been very tumultuous. I'll remember this night for the indecision (decision made today, Sunday after the Saturday night) and the music. It was a little uncertain space, like a plane ride, a transition, a little place out of chronology.

Music was the cure for what couldn't be said.
I don't understand sometimes why I couldn't have had my own life. Is it overpopulation - are there so many souls to be born that we just must learn to share bodies to save the planet?

Roz.