So,
Nadia and various Polly (including, rather surprisingly, Mannie) went swimming this morning at Storm Cove. I'm usually ~about~ during that kind of thing... I don't know why - maybe in case we stand on a fish - I can be trusted not to scream. I'm usually there, and I like the water, but I try not to get in the way - there are people here who only feel at home in the sea. I figure they need it more than me.
Then, when we went to Lola's for a visit, a musician I deeply admire, Ms Helen Barley, was there and I clumsily gave her a hug. I've been hoping she really did enjoy the time we played together at Snooty Winery. It's the obvious hope for musicians in this area - to get a job at Snooty Winery where they pay actual cash ($200 an afternoon!) and it's a pleasant gig with good acoustics and a polite audience. I was just the guest (no pay) which is just how I like it because I can't cope with the stress of dealing with other musicians in any kind of band-like relationship that might involve hauling equipment and/or banter. I need to be free to flee, usually straight to the ladies, man that I sometimes am, to stare deep into my own green eyes and steady myself.
In that 'little talk' with Gray he told me a few home truths about my musicianship.
Like most truthful things people tell each other, they hurt and they were surprising.
I never realised how obvious my anxiety is. And I didn't realise how serious my paranoia about music is either. I usually assume people don't want to play with me because I'm a crap musician but apparently, it's because I'm so 'highly strung' (I can't deny this - so many people have told me) and over-sensitive and paranoid and anxious. Actually none of that was surprising really, I have known it at heart. And Gray was talking about a specific musician.
So, to sort out the truth from story here;
1. I have had some very good musical collaborations - especially with Iian, the Irish Guy. That was great. Perhaps because he was as moody and paranoid and sensitive as I am.
2. SheOak breaking up was Not My Fault.
3. Helen Barley really did like playing with me. She told
Nadia, Nadia said, completely unsolicited, and sounded really keen to play again and praised my skills at improvisation (my strength) and my taste. So. That's a fact.
Some other facts, loosely assembled. I'm dispensing with lists.
~ because not all polly (and apparently, I'm dispensing with punctuation too) can actually PLAY and because some polly are tone deaf and because of those polly who have a voice, our ranges vary, and because viola (the person) is the only one who can play fast fiddle and I'm the only one strong enough to hold the viola (the instruemnt) properly and because nobody other than Mannie can play the piano and because ... well, that's enough, you get the idea ... we need complete freedom to come and go as we please (yes, some would call it dissociation) and we can't be being asked "What did you have for dinner last night?" just as we're about to play because that will fuck it up for us totally.
These are all impediments to us ever becoming comfortable performers.
Still, just as Just Jo, Thea, Shell and Francesca still wish to write despite their intense hatred of the actual process of writing... we still want to perform.
Where was I?
Oh, I give up. Yes, I'm a horrible musician to work with. I'll accept that. That doesn't mean I need to stop trying. I can improve my social skills during this process (tricky) or find musicians who are just as bad or perhaps too drunk to care. Hmmm. I don't know.
Helen Barley seems to let me be, and she's said yes to a St. Patrick's gig.
Partly because Helen doesn't really do small talk much. I like that!
Only trouble - she only wants me for my fiddle. She won't like it if I play guitar and sing (that is her territory) but she might like viola (the instrument). This is all very complicated, I know. I don't imagine anybody is actually reading this though so that's fine.
Hmm.
To solve the other musician's ettiquette that I breach (other than the paranoia, over-sensitivity, anxiety and inability to make small talk etc.) I need to buy a little tuning machine. A tuning fork just doesn't do the job for me. By the time I've made it to the third string the first is gone. It's okay on my fiddle - I have fine-tuners, but on the viola... well, it's like a dog chasing its own tail trying to get that right. I need to buy and install some fine-tuners for the viola and not care about the slight tinniness that sometimes causes, and I need to buy a shoulder rest. That thing is HEAVY. And while I'm spending pixie bucks in the Music Shop in CitySplat, i may as well buy a tuning machine.
Any recommendations, non-existant readers?
